from pageant to pudgy: my untransformation & body image struggles

do you ever look back on a photograph of yourself, and instead of remembering the moment or that time of your life, you simply stare at how different you look now than you did then?

maybe you’ve changed your hair, or have better style. for many of us, our eyebrows were terrible until the last few years (thank you, anastasia beverly hills). or maybe you see what i see the most – a completely different body.

instead of looking back at the memories and missing old friends, or laughing about fun trips, i stare at how slim my arms were, or how toned my thighs used to be. i see the definition in my stomach and the clothes i was once comfortable in. and instead of reliving fun memories, i find myself angry at the body i now know, and frustrated for losing the one i once had.

as most people, in high school i had the metabolism of a cheetah. i could eat whatever i wanted while avoiding the gym at all cost and maintaining a thin frame. sure, i was never model-tiny by any means, and i could’ve been more toned had my diet and workout been under control, but i was a teenager and that hadn’t been a priority. i came home from school, made chocolate milk, whipped up an entire box of macaroni for myself, and took a nap.

when i started competing in pageants at 17, not much changed. i had been required to join the tennis team for school, so there had been some physical exertion i was previously great at avoiding, but my diet remained stable. i ate what i wanted when i wanted it and never thought twice. the night before my first pageant, when i knew i would have to walk in front of a thousand people in a swimsuit the very next day, i stress-ate an entire tub of chocolate chip cookie dough. i’m talking the big, round tub that makes eighty million cookies, consumed by a then small-framed 17 year old girl shoveling her feelings into her face. the next day, i put on my two piece, walked the stage in tight gowns, and won my first pageant.

18 years old competing at miss washington 2012

looking back on that moment just reminds me how i have always been dependent on food. food has been my rock for my entire life. it is a constant in my ever-changing life and has helped me to balance navigating my teens and now 20s. so now that my metabolism doesn’t want to participate anymore at 25 years old, i am stuck in the body of a woman i do not know. i went from ‘hollow-legged hannah’ for almost 21 years, eating anything in sight like there was no tomorrow, to counting every carb, sugar, fat, protein into my body because i have gained over 40 pounds out of the blue. it sometimes feels like i am living someone else’s life.

i went from an always confident pageant queen, waltzing down runways and posting photos of myself all of the time, to someone who hides in her clothes and scrutinizes every item in her closet and every photo before its allowed to be seen by others. even with this blog, it has been so difficult to keep momentum when everything i put on was bought for a body severals tens of pounds lighter than the one i have now. everything is tight, highlights the unwanted, and just brings me back to that feeling of disappointment in the one thing that is mine and only mine. i’ve gone up at least 3 sizes, 4 in some brands. and yes, size doesn’t matter and weight is just a number – but it’s more than that. i’m not obese, and i know weight gain is a natural part of aging. it’s less the weight itself and more the fact that i barely recognize myself anymore.

25, working out in nyc for fashion week

sure, i’ve worked out and eaten clean and lost the weight in the past. i’ve never gotten back to my pageant weight, but i’ve been closer over the last handful of years. but it never lasts. i workout, restrict myself, cry over food and stare at the scale for hours so i can wear that one swimsuit on my senior year spring break to cabo, just to gain all of it back and then some. it’s never been sustainable. no one else in my life diets or worries about their weight or actively works out, and it is almost impossible to keep that momentum going when your surroundings are fighting you on it constantly.

but that’s what this blog was meant to be – a community where you and i can relate, be honest and learn from each other. i can wallow in this self-pity again, blame my metabolism or the programs i’ve tried and given up on, or the people who are in my life who don’t have to worry the way i do. or, i can build a new community to support each other, and try again. every time i fail a diet, or fail a workout program, i call it just that – “failure”. but it’s not – it’s progress. and not finishing a program or perfectly following a diet doesn’t mean that i can’t make progress again in the future. i still have the time, energy, resources, and functioning body that allows me to make a change if i so choose.

for the month of may, i have decided i’m going to do 30 minutes of cardio every single day. i can be running, walking, jogging, on an incline or not. just simply moving my body for a minimum of 30 minutes a day. my goal is that this is a small enough change that it is impossible to not do. making big, life-altering changes won’t help me in the long run, and i’d rather be healthy and happy forever than for one vacation.

you can follow my instagram stories for my daily posts of my cardio. hold me accountable, people! this blog, instagram, fitness – it all needs to be a community. and if you want to join me, let me know in the comments! or DM me! i would love to do this journey with you. maybe together we can learn to love our bodies the way they are, for all the amazing things they can do, and stop concerning ourselves with the way they used to be.

khloe k or hfp? you decide

denim jacket – forever21

skirt (worn as a dress) – fashionnova set

heels – justfab (doesn’t look like they sell anymore, so this is the closest pair i could find online

bag – michael kors

sunglasses – quay

no, that’s just my facial massager

for the last three weeks, every weekday, i have been engaging in *facial massage*.

i’m sure by now you’ve heard of this, unless you live under a rock or actually listen to things of importance instead of podcasts about your skin. but if you haven’t, i’m here to give you the scoop & my version of the perfect facial massage.

---

i first learned about facial massage from The Skinny Confidential, a blog and podcast i’m disgustingly obsessed with. author and podcaster lauryn evarts mentions ‘lymphatic drainage‘ like ten times every episode, so i dug a little deeper to learn what she was talking about.

little had i known, your face actually holds a lot of fluids that are a part of your lymphatic system. this system helps drain toxins from your body, but can often become stagnant because they have nothing keeping them flowing. typically, the lymphatic system flows due to exercise and massage – hence, facial massage.

lymphatic massage for your face does wonders. it reduces puffiness, dark circles, and helps show off the contouredness of your cheeks and jawline (sorry kim k, guess i don’t need your contour kit after all). while you can get one professionally done by your esthetician, which i’m sure is the superior method, us budget-gals gotta diy that shit.

---

first, buy a little vibrating massager FOR YOUR FACE on amazon. yes it’s weird but just do it. i bought this one for a couple bucks and it came in like two days. i love the bar because i feel like it delivers a more focused massage.

next, wash & oil your face. i’ll be writing a blog post on this soon too, but oil is so so so great for your skin, even (& especially!) if you’re already oily.

now, you can be an overachiever like me and do this massage in the car while you’re driving to work listening to podcasts, or you could wake up early enough like a proper adult to do this before putting on your makeup not at your desk.

i always start at my forehead – go from the center of your head to the end of the eyebrow in one direction 15-20 times. this is draining the fluid from your forehead to your temples. i like to do one side and then the other, but i don’t think it really matters. work the whole forehead from hairline to brow bone.

next i do my eyes. this is the part where i spend a lot of time, because i tend to have pretty puffy under eyes from the loads of salt i consume on a daily basis (working on that). i start at the nose and glide over the puffiness to my temple and repeat another 15-20 times. then i move a little lower and repeat over the cheek.

by now, i’m feeling like there’s a frog in my throat from all the fluid that’s getting moved around – but that’s okay! just means it’s working and fluid is being drained from the face.

next i do from my mouth to my ear 15-20 times, and along my chin to my ear another 15-20. always do this massage as if your face is in half, rather than going from one ear to the other. always start in the center and work out.

lastly, i drain whatever is left. starting at the temple, i move down past my ear and down my neck. this helps drain from the neck too so i don’t look like some roided out 90s athlete. once i’ve done that 15-20 times, i go from the jawline to the collarbone in straight lines.

et voila! a beautiful, contoured face pre-makeup. this has become a staple in my day-to-day beauty routine and i feel tighter and less puffy. long term benefits also include reduction of wrinkles and fine lines, which i’m already hyper aware of at 24 (and you should be too!)

---

give facial massage a try by using your fingers first if you want, before moving to a tool! let me know your thoughts & if you love the benefits. also let me know how you do yours! focused me-time? passive multi-tasking? either way, enjoy!

evolve with pvolve

jesus christ – if you’re looking for a workout that makes you shake, stretch, tone, & sore all at once (while also appearing ridiculously and laughably easy), then you’re in the right spot. pvolve is for you. use my code PVOLVEPRICE for 30 days of free streaming!

i mean seriously, this workout is magic. in one hour (ideally less) i tone, stretch, and push my muscles to the limit all while streaming from my phone. talk about making life easy.

summary for lazy readers: pvolve is an amazing streamable workout that you can do anywhere, with or without equipment, & see immediate results! get 30 days completely free streaming with my personal code PVOLVEPRICE

over the “holiday” weekend (LOL), i did the pvolve 3 day challenge. holy fudge it’s a killer. each workout is a little longer than usual (1hr – 1hr 20min) but they target all over your damn body and make you sweat like crazy. on saturday i took before pics, and tuesday morning took my afters.

the ONLY thing i changed over these three days was my workout. bible. on saturday i drank vodka/gin/champagne & ate everything (brie, deviled eggs, shrimp, tacos, truffle fries), sunday i had pancakes, a tuna melt, and popcorn with sriracha (!!), & monday i had chicken, steak, mashed potatoes and a fuck load of cookies. and only worked out once a day for those three days. this is still my transformation:

YES I KNOW IM STILL CHUNKY thank you trolls. but on another note, WTF?! how did the bloat go down… how did the stomach get flatter… i’m even wanting to call “photoshop!!”, but it’s so fucking not. its just the power of pvolve.

now mind you, i did these workouts with 0 equipment, for two reasons. first, i don’t have any of the equipment so what other choice did I have? second, & more important (pretending this is the real reason), i wanted to be able to show people that pvolve can transform your body quickly, easily, and with no equipment. all you need is your cell phone, and ideally some wireless headphones so you aren’t that girl at the gym full-blast streaming her awkward fucking model workout (💁🏼‍♀️).

honest to god though, i love this workout. 8 reps per move, never more, and you move on. tiny, focused movements that target small but powerful muscles in your body to tone and lean out as much as you can dream possible. plus, it’s recommended to avoid cardio and heavy lifting while doing pvolve, because the workout focuses on anti-inflammatory training – in other words, it reduces the stress swelling on your muscles when you do heavy or intense impact & makes your body tighter because of this.

so i’ve decided to keep doing pvolve religiously, more than i already was, just cause now i have proof from myself that it works. i hope you join me cause you see it works & cause you know you get 30 days free streaming with my code PVOLVEPRICE.

before, i was doing it because the VS models do it, but now i’m just gonna become one – look out world!!!

keto diet – the good, the bad, the cheesy

so i recently started the keto diet, and i’m here to tell you that HOLY SHIT it’s amazing.

summary for lazy readers: keto means no carbs, black coffee is gross, i eat a lot of cheese, keto leaves me feeling happy and not deprived, water is crucial, don’t try eating out, stamp of approval

if you don’t know already from the major hype, netflix documentary, pinterest recipe overload or just from your weird friend Melody who tries every diet under the sun, the keto diet is practically no/low-carbs. in other words, you eat less than 20g of carbs per day with the idea that your body begins to burn fat as fuel instead of carbs, resulting in major weight loss.

yes, there’s more to it. no, i don’t know more. i read the words “fast weight loss” and stopped reading there. apparently you actually are supposed to like count other macros and do all these ratios and stuff but frankly cutting carbs requires enough thought as it is that i just quit on the other crap. which seems to be working.

here’s a day in the life of my keto diet – mind you, i am also intermittent fasting because i’m crazy and can’t just be healthy and love my body, i have to torture it like some sick masochist seeking a thrill. in other words, i only eat from noon til 8pm in order for my body to process foods differently. more on that another time.

first things first, i drink my coffee black. i drink it in my teal blue yeti because i am basic, and its the cheap keurig stuff that’s like off-brand starbucks. so yes, it does taste like ass, thanks for asking. but nothing tastes as good as skinny feels, amiright?

after drinking my coffee as slowly as humanly possible, i break into snack time around 12. now mind you, i have had about a half gallon of water at this point because lemon water is supposedly unreal for digestion and helping with weight loss. i do my big 32 oz bottle with extra *extra* ice because warm water is for serial killers and squeeze some lemon juice in. i would love to say i use fresh lemons, but i don’t. this is mostly because they are so hit and miss sometimes and i don’t want weird water.

snack time usually consists of strawberries (no more than 7, cause each strawberry actually is 1 CARB WHICH IS RUDE, SCIENCE) and a babybel cheese, just the regular kind. i like to eat mine kinda warm so usually i will hold it in my hand still wrapped in the wax while i eat my strawberries, then i can enjoy it warm. yes it’s odd, but it’s not harming you so lay off.

then i work out. lately i have been doing 20 minutes on the stairstepper and 20 minutes on the treadmill. i try to do this with as little food in my belly as possible because i read a headline once that said fasted cardio was good for you, so here i am. but since i don’t workout until 1/2p, i usually have to have my snack first.

okay, so now it’s time for lunch and i actually thought this was going to be harder, but it’s not been bad at all. cutting out carbs is hard and does require some initial thought, but i have already gotten the hang of some pretty simple things. so for instance, i like to have fish or chicken and veggies for lunch, with my third 32oz water. i do use a lot of salt as some of you may know, so i’m sure that’s holding me back but that’s a risk we’re just gonna have to take. i like lemon salmon or tuna – tuna you can actually eat without pissing off your coworkers cause you don’t have to heat it up. a half can of tuna with mayonnaise has 0 carbs so in other words, its healthy. i like to do that with some green beans (1/2 cup max) or broccoli. at this point in the day, i’ve likely consumed about 10g of carbs overall.

afternoon snack, more cheese. that’s the best part of this diet. it doesn’t feel like a diet. sure, i can’t have bread or chips or pasta or garlic mashed potatoes but who needs any of those amazing and delicious things anyway?! i do, but i’m learning to be okay without them because i actually don’t feel deprived on this diet. i think for me it’s less difficult with only one food or food group being ‘banned’, so i can still enjoy so many other things, like cheese.

but damn cheese is good. i would recommend cheese on everything if you’re going keto, because it actually is supposedly part of the diet. score. i guess you’re supposed to eat a pretty solid amount of fats, and cheese can get you there. if i were doing breakfast, my ideal day would probably start with some sort of very cheesy egg scramble topped with extra cheese. anyway.

for dinner i usually do something similar to my lunch, although i’ve tried keto lettuce wraps, keto chicken asparagus casserole, and keto chicken salad. there’s actually tons to choose from and make without feeling limited. by this time its almost 8p, so i’m finished eating anyway and have only consumed about 15g of carbs all day.

the only hard part for me so far has been eating out. it’s impossible, truly. “can’t you just order a salad” no helen, i can’t, and even if i could i wouldn’t eat a freaking salad, i’m not a rabbit. unfortunately for those of you who do enjoy salad, they’re usually a no-no too, since dressings are packed with sugars ie carbs. i guess you could do a salad with olive oil or something but then you’re really just rabbit status and i don’t know if that’s a life worth living for me. if i do go out, i always cheat. that’s the big takeaway here – this diet is soooo doable if your meals are planned. hell, it’s even doable with intermittent fasting AND cutting out alcohol (mostly) which you guys know is a huge win for me. but if you don’t plan your meals out, you’ll end up at on the border ordering guacamole live as your main dish and eating your weight in fried, salty, heavenly chips that you later cry about in the girls bathroom. don’t do it to yourself. if your friends don’t love you while you give yourself a little self care, fuck em.

parting thoughts – i have lost 5 pounds in the last 8 or so days, and i feel amazing. i feel way less bloated, my energy feels great, and i feel hyper focused. now mind you, there are a lot of moving parts to these things (i’ve started meditation, i’m finally writing again, i’m working out pretty regularly) but i do think the keto helps, a lot. i’ll keep doing it and keep keeping you updated.