15 Ways to Ruin Your Boyfriend’s Life While Quarantined

’cause some things should still be fun, right?

With all of the world on practical lockdown right now, many of us are spending a significant amount of “quality time” with our SO’s that we aren’t quite used to. Sure, I’ve always imagined how fun a weekend would be getting cabin fever together, trapped in the house all cozy and cuddled up with my love, sleeping in and coffee in bed. But reality hit about 5 hours into day one, and now on day 7 I have a much different perspective on being trapped indoors together (and on him – that’s for another day, though). 

Prior to this caging, I never really realized just how much time men (I use that term lightly) can spend playing video games. Or watching people play video games. Or talking about video games. Frankly, I thought I was in for a treat when all sports were put on hold and I wouldn’t have to hear the phrase “line-up” anymore, but now I long for the days where I had the TV remote and he was in his own world, nose pressed against the phone screen organizing thoroughly researched players into a competition that would undoubtedly lose. Instead, my well-organized, decorated, and beautifully curated living room has become a gamer’s sanctuary, with coffee mugs and open Cheez-It boxes scattered across the floor. I am a guest in my own home.

Initially, I tried to keep things civil. Sure, rest your sweaty feet on my glass coffee table 5 minutes after you watched me clean it. No, no, eat your Chex-Mix on my couch – I can vacuum again later. Don’t worry about me quietly reading in the other room, yell as you need! I wouldn’t want to interrupt your “me time”.

Now, a full 40 hour work week of Call of Duty and MLB The Show later, I’m saying fuck it. While I’m relatively non-confrontational, I have found these little things can make his day even just 2% more difficult – and that makes me 10x happier.

  1. Unplug the HDMI to the PS4 every time he leaves the room for a semi-extended period of time (showering, pooping, walking the dog).
  2. Put the video game controller and headset “away” in random locations every time he’s “done playing” but leaves them out on the counter. Forget where you placed them when he asks. 
  3. Watch Netflix on your laptop on full volume next to him on the couch. Repeatedly sigh and turn down his TV because it’s too distracting.
  4. Put the dog’s toy under the couch so she stares at him and barks, and then, with a “really upset tummy”, hide in the bathroom until she annoys him enough to get on the floor and get her the toy.
  5. Use all of the coffee mugs for various random things and leave them dirty in the sink overnight so he has to hand wash one for his much-needed morning refresher after an all-nighter with the boys.
  6. Swap the bags inside his favorite snack boxes so he thinks he’s having one snack but getting something entirely different.
  7. Be overly difficult with dinner options. Blame it on the fact that crazy hoarders wiped the shelves clean and you just have no appetite for anything. Disagree with everything he suggests until he is so distraught he opts to go out and get you Chipotle.
  8. Leave the Brita filter empty and blame it on him if you need to use it before he does.
  9. Strip the bed sheets and leave washing them until very late. Go to bed with the only blanket you have in the house before he comes to sleep – and don’t share.
  10. Play your favorite music while you pace around the house aimlessly – don’t actually do any chores. I like to play the same song I know he hates on repeat so he spends the rest of the day singing it.
  11. Wash all the towels when you know he is about to shower. 
  12. When you do finally get ahold of the TV, play Gossip Girl, Real Housewives of New York, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, or some other overly-girly show. 
  13. Vacuum the patch of carpet in front of the TV repeatedly. It is very dirty. 
  14. Finish the creamer and put the empty container back in the fridge. 
  15. When you make any food for him, add a dash of something he hates. For my gamer, it’s too much garlic and/or salt. Eat up, babe! 

If you’re going to be trapped indoors, you may as well have fun. Good luck ladies, and remember that wine always, always helps.

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